Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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