I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
