That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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