Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Still dying that you shit outside
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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