I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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