just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
