Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
