Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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