You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
