areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
