My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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