Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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