I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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