Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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