I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
