I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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