Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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