when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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