I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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