hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
