I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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