she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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