I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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