I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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