I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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