Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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