I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize