Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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