Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
