I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
