so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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