I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
