and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
