I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
