I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
