I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
