She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
