She went from zero to smokin in five shots
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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