I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
