I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
