I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
