Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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