we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
