if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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