Will you blow on my dice?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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