If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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