You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
