we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
