JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
