When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
