I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
