kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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