wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
