do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
